I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
