Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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