My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Success! We fucked roommates!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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