Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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