Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
