You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
