he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
