Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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