dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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