My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
