Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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