I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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