I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she told me i tasted like america
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
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