if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
