i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
