Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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