You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
