I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I enjoy the company of your penis
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
