HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
