I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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