i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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