At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
why do cheetos always look like penises
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
