During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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