After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
