its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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