nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
