I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
