Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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