Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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