Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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