my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
