my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
