You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
