i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
