The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
