I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
