So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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