I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
