Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
