Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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