We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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