Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
