Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
