I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
