worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
