She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
