We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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