seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Congratulations! We have a period
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