My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
