i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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