his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
