Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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