I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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