i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
