i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
