I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
