im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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