Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
