Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
